Revelations

The last three days, I was fortunate enough to attend the AGATE (Association of Gifted and Talented Education) here in Billings with my fellow first grade teachers and a few other gals from school. We had a great time bonding over Starbucks, and came up with some new strategies to challenge our challenging students.

As first graders, not many of the children I teach are technically "identified" as Gifted and Talented. To qualify for Extended Studies a student must first be recommended by either his teacher, his parents, or both, and then score a certain percentile in a battery of tests, including IQ, reading and math. Often, because our children are so young, the tests are not an accurate read of our children's capabilities. For example, a student may excel in math, but not be able to read or understand the question. Or, having never taken a standardized test before, he may just be confused by the fill in the bubble sheet, or even just become frustrated sitting for such a long period of time. At any rate, it's rather difficult to "qualify" as a kindergartner, which means that I tend to have a few students who may be GT learners, but I lack the resources to serve them appropriately.

But I digress.

The point of this post was to explain a revelation I had during the conference. As a child, I qualified for Extended Studies. I vaguely remember the teachers who taught the program, and I remember going to the Library to make a hover craft out of a hair dryer, paper plate and toilet paper tube. However, my mom tells me that every week on ES day, I would get a tummy ache. Apparently, I was painfully nervous to go to Extended Studies. I think this is because everything was always "easy" for me. I never had to struggle. I never felt uncomfortable learning. And when I finally did struggle, it was terrifying. This is pretty typical of what "they" have labeled "perfectionist learners". This explains why multiplication was (and is) scary to me - it was hard, so I quit memorizing. This explains why many teenagers skip out on AP English and honors math for fear of not receiving an A grade.

By the way, I don't consider myself GT. I pretty much leveled out after 3rd grade I think. I had to work hard for my B's in math and chemistry, that is for darn sure!

Furthermore, it explained some other non-academic issues as well. I thought back to when Aubyn invited me to go cross country skiing. I'm not athletic, assumed I wouldn't be naturally good, and was terrified to be the least capable. Same with hiking Mystic, with bike riding, and who knows what else! If there is a chance it will be difficult or I may not be "good" at it, I don't want to do it. Isn't that interesting? Maybe it's not to you - maybe you already knew that about me! Sometimes it takes a while for me to learn the obvious.

At any rate, I was fascinated to realize this fear of failure in myself, and I can see a few of my kids in a new light as well. The conference was enlightening for a number of reasons, but the exciting thing was that I learned something about myself as well as my students. Hopefully, now that I recognize what's driving my discomfort, I will be more able to confront it and handle new challenges with excitement rather than fear!